... two years later....

Dr Zoidberg: How do I look?
Bender: Like whale barf.
Dr Zoidberg: Then the illusion is complete.

Cripes... two years since I have blogged... Just happened to see if my blogspot was still in cyberspace and I'll be... it is!!

Where do I start... Well... It is Friday night and I am sitting in watching episodes of Futurama. I am living in Sydney to enjoy city life once again only I need to save some money to finance good times :-)

I have started playing Aussie Rules Football... No, I haven't coiffeured a mullet and grown my leg hair. It seems that the UNSW Stingrays have a nice team of gals who like to get down and dirty.. No holding back! As I was walking out onto the field on my first match I was filled with an immense dread that I was going to get pumelled.. This was largely due to the fact that I was following an opposition player out onto the oval that was just under 6ft, tattoed, had an undercut and dreadlocks and arms that had definitely been sculpted by some form of weight training. Amazonian springs to mind now... Holy Shit sprang to mind at the time!! Fortunately, I think adrenaline kicked in and I gradually grew increasingly accustomed to tackling ... maybe more than just accustomed... i was quite delighting in it.. not being of the 'meek' build, my tackling was rather effective... to think it has taken me 28 years to try an actual game of AFL!!

That night I celebrated with the girls which was fun. Until about ??midnight when I picked up my backpack to go and was advised by someone about the 3-6-9 hour sleep rule. I think it went something like you need to get a 'multiple of 3 hours of sleep' and at this point I think that meant that I was to stay longer and get three hours sleep... and I would be fine... because it was a multiple of three... it seemed logical at the time... well... either i didn't have a multiple of three hours sleep or that theory is a crock of shit... I tend to think the latter.

So.. I'm going to tell you a little story.. I have to think of one first... right... a few funnies.. I would have to say that the funniest comment of the week was actually last Saturday when I walked into see a patient who was in retrospect a little confused... her first question being... "excuse me love, but am I dead?" ha ha! I politely replied no... and I am definitely no angel..

So I am trying to grow some pot plants at the moment to give me a touch of 'country'. In my mind I was to have a balcony full of flourishing greenery that gives the feeling of instant wholesomeness. Unfortunately, the little seedlings have a touch of 'stuntedness' and haven't grown past an inch high. The fruits of thy labour could garnish about one hors d'oeuvre. I have given them all of the things that they require (i think) light, water, occassionally beer and even some quite rank smelling 'dynamic lifter'. Unfortunately, I think in this day and age plants have grown immune to natural goodness and require a good synthetic fertiliser to get them up and running... I am wondering if I need to give up on all this enviro-wholesomeness and give it a lashing of bright blue aquasol...

At the moment, this is my news...??!!

More to housesitting than just a house

They say there is a ghost in every house and if you make peace with him, he will stay quiet.

Hola...! Como estas...? Me no blogged for very long time ay? There has been many a time when I think "By gumboot... I should really blog that!" For example when I was teaching an 80 year old amputee how to drive his new gopher. To cut a long story short it almost ended in tears, broken bones, scratched walls and a dent in the managers shiny new car....

Last weekend myself and Alicia became the proud new owners of a 10kg block of Cadbury's dairy milk chocolate. The moral of this story is never bid after several glasses of champagne. We have decided to have a 'fondue dinner party' so keep an eye out for the invites. We are looking for a fondue pot that is big enough.

Otherwise I am actually working rather hard despite my committment to work part-time and enjoy "life" as it were... Instead I am working about 5 and half days and don't have a life... :-) Well... always seem to make time for a few leisurely outings...

The horses... I thought sheep were stupid but I would have to say that I would prefer that than the malicious and cunning nature of horses... especially ponies. At present I have been bestowed the responsibility of 'head house-sitter' at a beautiful home overlooking Victor Harbor. Unfortunately with this privilege comes two horses that require feeding. What I wasn't told was that the Pony is the devil incarnate who has learnt the art of escapism. Twice now I have found that the pony has chewed through the electric rope (which is off but I have no doubt that this wouldn't make a difference) and gotten into a lovely luscious grassy area. To get the pony back into the yard I had to take down the rope but whilst doing this the other horse ran into the lovely luscious grassy area... Might I add... I was on a time line! I had a house warming to get to... I had a sprained ankle and ... (wasn't going to mention this but...) Douglas had eaten rat bait and needed to go to the vet (obviously he wasn't dying at my feet but merely needed to spew and a course of medication). Anywho... It took me a good hour and a half to get them in. They new exactly what I was doing and weren't having a bar of it. They would get to the gate way stand there teasing me and then walk off. @##!!$#!!!!! I tried to lasso them, spook them (bad idea), sweet talk them but like the mere male ... a way to a horses heart is through food. Eventually I think they were full up on lovely luscious grass and meandered through to nibble at a bit of lucerne I had thrown on the ground in disgust. That was the first time. The second time was much the same and required me walking around in my dressing gown and boots "re-wiring" the electric fence... I hope knots still conduct electricity... in a non-hazardous way...

Anyway... enough of my drivel. Does anyone want some marmalade or plum jam?!?!

April...

Though you might hear laughin', spinnin' swingin' madly across the sun. It's not aimed at anyone, it's just escapin' on the run. And but for the sky there are no fences facin'. And if you hear vague traces of skippin' reels of rhyme. To your tambourine in time, it's just a ragged clown behind. I wouldn't pay it any mind, it's just a shadow you're Seein' that he's chasing. Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me. I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me. In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.

Jeeeezzzuzzz... it has been over 6 months since I have left the UK... oh how the time flies and nothing much changes. Still madly trying to decide what I want to do with my life. If I had a dollar for every brilliant idea that I came up with i'd be a millionaire. Unfortunately there seems to be so many that I just think myself into feeling overwhelmed with possibility.

Nursing home diaries... go to work the other day to find all the residents sitting around the table eating birthday cake. In hindsight the look on their faces wasn't awe of the beautiful birthday party but awe(kwardness). Everyone was trying to act seemingly delighted to be part of the celebrations of the resident who was fast asleep in his cloud chair; complete with a birthday cake hat skewed on top of his head. Meanwhile the 'activities co-ordinator' was calling out to him..... Gordon... it's your birthday.... wake up.... i need to take a photo.... It turns out he had been asleep the whole time... a birthday to remember....

Had my first netball match of the year... we lost by 2 goals unfortunately which was made all the worse by me having blisters on my feet about 2.5cm in diameter. Fortunately I medicated them well with Coopers Pale Ale despite telling everyone that I am now a non-binge drinker.. I guess these things take time to sink in. In true irresponsible young adult fashion my mother kindly picked me up... isn't it funny how things tend to regress at times. Cath this one is for you... leading up to the netball season we had some trial matches organised. A couple of Saturdays ago I had decided to be relatively sensible leading up to the trial match therefore only had 3 beers on the Friday night and went to see a movie (although I did have a curry which probably wasn't the best idea); Sat am warmed up with a hit of tennis; shaved my legs; strapped my ankles; so on and so forth. Arrived at netball fully kitted out in bodysuit only to be greeted by bewildered looks. "Ummm... why are you dressed in your bodysuit.....????" ..... "Don't we have a trial match...?" "No... it's just training...." ...

A lesson to be learned... always fill your car up with petrol when the gauge is flashing. Just got to work... after running out of petrol 20km out of Victor Harbor. When I noticed this about 3 km from home I probably should have turned around... Fortunately after leaving a message at work.. running to various rural farms to locate petrol, jumping fences in my work attire and new $350 boots I learned that I did not in fact have an 830am patient and had plenty of time to meander to work... agghhhh nothing like a good start to the day....

South Australia Social Scene

Here tonight, we have, ah, apple and orange. We all different, but in the end, we all fruit.

As far as weekends go mine was.... well.... pretty much the same as most other weekends. Friday night I had Spanish yet again. I do believe that if I wasn't paying Patty she would tell me that I am a lost cause.... in more ways than one. It just so happens that over the past few months I have had a spell of misplacing/losing personal belongings including my phone, cardigan, voucher and on more than one occassion my spanish folder. The last and final time that I did this was at the Persian Garden during the festival where I left it amongst the persian cushions and rugs in a little Persian booth. The next day Norm kindly went to find it for me where in fact he did locate ONE page containing the spanish verb conjugations of "hablar"........ folded into a paper plane.... well... I hope they had a good time with the other 100 or so pieces of paper and irreplaceable notes that I had worked so hard to establish.

On Saturday I spent 6 valuable hours of my life clipping "R" clips on a fence that Dad is putting up. I would like to be able to say that I am better person for it but I would be lying. In fact a part of my soul may well have been lost with the pure tediousness of the task but for my time I convinced the Gazman to continue with the construction of Lake Yankaponga. All is going well. Dad did strain a muscle around his chest which we concluded was a heart muscle due to him suffering from weaklingopathy. Saturday night we attended the 'Celebrity Chef Dinner' at Normanville where we sat amongst a very diverse mix of the South Australian community........

Maria came alone and was sitting to my left. I decided to strike up conversation and see what brought her to Normanville. Suprisingly it was Manu Fidel... celebrity (French) chef....!!! As it turns out Maria works at Adelaide Arcade for the Big Issue which assists less fortunate people by employing them to sell their magazine. She had saved up and bought the (expensive) tickets, caught the bus down and paid for two nights accommodation. She was extremely excited about meeting Manu and getting his autograph for her 12 year old son. After a few glasses of wine she explained that she not only wanted to taste Manu's food but also to 'pick his brain about the meaning of life'.... now I have never seen his show but I feel that I must. I have visions of him saying things like....'and with each rasher of bacon that you fry delicately and to perfection you will realise that life is not like a box of chocolates but a big fry up with extra beans.' By all accounts she had a ball. So much so that at 230am Tina had to ask her and a few others to finish up for the evening. Mother dearest was sitting next to Rod and Marg who were celebrating their 1st wedding anniversary. Rod is 56 and a garbage collector at Mitcham and Marg is 58 and works in a factory. Rod and Marg are still very much in the touchy feely stage of their relationship. On the dance floor I was quite stunned when I turned around right at the moment when Rod had his mouth wide open, tongue engaged for action, going in for the pash of all pashes. I think Rod and Marg also had an enjoyable night..... although judging by the way they were feeling each other up, a more private setting e.g. a bedroom may have been more appropriate. Also on the table was a Danish man and his family who made the most of the unlimited wine available. It was discovered during our conversation that on his travels to Australia he spent time with a friend who stole a boat from Denmark and sailed across the sea escaping from the police. At one point I remember looking over and seeing his wife Maria who (suprisingly enough) has Italian parents... as does (suprisingly enough) the other Maria... deep in conversation. As with any good Italian conversation it was rather emotional and revolved around relationships, her son and family affairs. Maria (Big Issue Maria) ended up in tears but not for long as she found refuge in her large beaker of .... I think it was muscat by that stage as everything else had been drunk... As you can imagine a great evening was had by all.... and that was just our table.... I am assuming that most other people had a good time as by this point they had tied MASSIVE GOLD BOWS around their heads and waists out of the table settings. Just a few highlights of a rather bizarre evening was Mum injuring her knee dancing; Dad doing a 'lift' with Mum as a finale to a dance... Dad and Michael asking for bread to mop up their dregs at a celebrity chef dinner, Mum offering Graham some bread.... mopping up Dads dregs.... giving it to Graham who then ate it.... (It worries me that he is a garbage collector).

I would also like to warn members of the public that if they use black adhesive to stick plastic onto a pond please either use gloves or ensure that you don't have functions to attend or a job in which people see your hands. After scrubbing our hands for about 40 minutes in turps Dad and I had to dicreetly leave our hands under the table at the (formal) celebrity chef dinner.... I am also very grateful that most of the time people are facing down when I am working on their backs/necks.... but as one client said to me today.... if you paint your entire fingernails black you could just go with the 'goth' look... genius!!!

Another funny story... today when I was treating a girl we were talking about the hospital at Victor Harbor and I mentioned that I was working there on Tuesday to which she replied... Oh.. are you a nurse............................................... to which I replied.................................. no....................guess again............................. (thankfully she got it right!!!)

Alright.. enough bullshit...

Moley moley moley

To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. I've known sheep who could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs, but you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?

Apes don't read philosophy.

Yes they do, Otto, they just don't understand it.

It would be lovely to have a week off work except for the fact that I can't leave the house. To be truthful I could leave the house but I would have to wear a paper bag over my head or be ridiculed about having steristrips plastered all over my face. I guess there is always short term loss for long term gain (as a model that is...!!!) The thing that I keep going back to is now I will be able to watch the 'moley moley' scene on Austin Powers without cringing. Although... I am now concerned that I will have similar troubles with the movie 'Scarface'.... Now a scar always needs a good story. I am debating whether or not to have 5 different stories for each scar or one for the whole lot i.e. as I was pressing down the coffee plunger it shattered and shards of glass impaled my face.....???

Since my last blog i have in fact had another 'bike incident'. I was going for a ride on my recently borrowed roadbike early on a Saturday morning when I decided to turn around and head back home. I must have turned too sharp as I started to fall to the ground. It is amazing how fast thought processes work. Mine went like this... shit I think i'm falling, gotta get my feet out of the clips, crap.. they're stuck, well.. if i'm gonna fall i'm gonna fall.... eugh. At this point I am laying on my side, feet still clipped into the pedals with an extremely sore elbow and ankle.

Still living with the folks, doing the usual stuff. Work is going well. Still struggling at Spanish. Trip to Canada coming along nicely. New veggies planted. Compost bin erected no thanks to my father. Alicia crossfire back in town bless her lovely heart. Laneway festival next weekend. Hopefully scars healed.

Last weekend I decided to have a rather sophisticated Friday night consisting of Spanish, followed by wine and nibbles with Normster. Well... 4 bottles of wine later and a message from Sav and we were at the Lotus lounge. Fortunately, my memory extends beyond this point unlike Norm. Highlights were being tapped on the shoulder by Norm from behind the bar only to then watch him be escorted out of the door.... More alternative dancing but made all the better with Sav going one to one with me on the dance floor... wokawow... night ends with crazy face masks and dancing on a table. Sophistication was definitley not the end result. Not to be deterred I will continue trying.

What I love about this blog is that nobody reads it... shazzzzaaammmmmmmmm :-)

2008: year of the potato.

Coughlin's law: never tell tales about a woman. No matter how far away she is, she'll always hear you.

So... not much happening really but felt that I should really blog considering I haven't done it for about a month. I have managed to get a hold of a new bike after mine was stolen whilst I was overseas. I have gone from being the proud owner of a relatively nice road bike to an ever so slightly bitter owner of a rusted old repco complete with rusted old bell. I shouldn't complain as it was given to me for free but one has to consider that there is a reason for it being gratis. I took it into town the other day and was feeling quite cool in a "retro" kind of way until I got the wheels stuck in the tramline on the corner of King William St and Greenhill Rd. Fortunately I managed to stay upright but not without a few panicked squeals and amused looks from people waiting at the traffic lights.

I have been wondering... are carsalesmen naturally untrustworthy, smarmy, cons or does a caryard bring out the worst in people. I should have known better... never trust a grey haired man who dyes it a garish shade of orange. To cut a long story short... I have instead purchased a black Toyota Yaris after basically going on a rally car test drive around Mt Barker. Picture me wide eyed, panicked, fearing for my life.... "YES! It does take the corners well doesn't it....." (our father who art in heaven .....) "AHA... it is quite amazing that you can go from 0-100 km/hr in a matter of seconds...." (hallowed be thy name)

At present I am housesitting for a colleague of mine at Victor Harbor. I am temporarily responsible for 2 horses, a cat and a home with amazing views overlooking the ocean. Since my arrival I have been sensed some hostility from the cat. Mind you she is 14, quite physically impaired and most probably very stuck in her ways. She was quite distressed by my singing and dancing... so much so that she started hissing at me and then went and hid under the bed. I am now working at building bridges as I would hate for her to lose the will to live. Phil, Anke and Ben would never forgive me.

So.. lifes going A-OK. Keeping busy. I am really looking forward to the up and coming Fringe Festival, Womadelaide, Laneway festival etc. More things to spend my money on. I have taken to filling in an excel spreadsheet recording my expenditure. Basically I have come to the conclusion that either alcohol is exorbitantly priced or I drink exorbitant amounts...

I have been trying to think of something profound that has happened to me or a lesson learned over the past month. The only thing I can think of is... when you take a resident for a walk outside the nursing home grounds make sure the doors are unlocked or there is a way to get back into the residential facility.

Reasons against being designated driver

I do believe Marsellus Wallace, my husband, your boss, told you to take ME out and do WHATEVER I WANTED. Now I wanna dance, I wanna win. I want that trophy, so dance good.

On my reccommendation do not volunteer to be designated driver at a family wedding. What may seem a dignified event is sure to turn into mayhem. Whips and all.



Arrival time: 1300... met with drinks, overlooking the beautiful beach at Port Elliot. Lovely ceremony to join Jon and Dayle in marriage. 1315: downward spiral. But as Tristan said (slurred) at about 1700... 'at least we are on some sort of spiral'. 1500: whip cracking on road 1600: whip cracking in Elliot Hotel beer garden generously pruning the bushes and trees. 1700: Mum, Krystal and Rhianna dancing to lebanese music in her jeep 1800: more whip cracking, Dad receives nasty whip mark on chest thanks to Tristan 1800: Tristan serenades the crowds 1900: Move inside away from the masses 2000: I put my foot down and ask Tristan not to remove tinsel from dart board. State that it is time to leave. 2130: Finally move about 10m out to door to car park only to start up with the bloody whip cracking again.... Finally arrive home to have a well earned glass of wine except everyone is either not feeling to well or off to bed.... Peace at last...!

Not much else happening... Veggie patch coming on nicely. I invited mum and dad to share my beans and zucchini the other night only to be told that... we really need some red meat darling... hence the 1m x 1m lamb chop they proceeded to eat...! Some people just dont see the nutritional value in eating minute, rather dismal looking ORGANIC vegetables. My new philosophy is the smaller and more pathetic looking the better!! Surely the taste is just more concentrated?!?!